I never even realized that I had breathing shallowly. The truth is, looking back over the past fourteen months...during Mama's diagnosis, treatment and passing into Eternal Life.....I can't remember breathing at all. During one of her last days in hospice care, Mama and I had a conversation about my family of four going to the beach house where we've always stayed. ...same as always. I stayed there with Mama and Daddy as a teenager, young adult, newly married, new first time parent, then second time parent. My children have never known anything else. Except this year, unless God worked a miracle, Mama wouldn't be going with us to the beach.
I wasn't even sure she had heard me; the pain medications were sedating her. Oh but hear me, she did and she opened her eyes, smiled a huge smile and told me that she thought it was a wonderful idea. Then she said, "I'll always be close by there." Well, God ushered Mama into His presence on February 15, 2012 and I somehow functioned on autopilot until last week when we came to the house..."our" beach place. Honestly, I had been dreading it. I was scared it would be too painful, too empty. Well, I should have said bless my own heart! The very minute I walked in the door, I took a deep breath in and out and realized how good it felt. So I did it again. And again. I haven't stopped breathing deeply for this entire week. I have not had a "mystical" experience, nor do I feel catapulted into complete healing. But I do feel calmer, more peaceful, more of God's presence and more able to hear Him. One thing about grief: you surely can't hurry it along at all.
There is so much life happening now; so much breathing. I don't want to forget anything and so I write. And give thanks to my Jesus for allowing me to start seeing the life again.
"How can I, your servant talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe." Daniel 10:17 (NIV)
"And with that, He {Jesus} breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit." John 20:22 (NIV)
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